EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenny shook the nation with his revelation that he identifies as a member of the Hunger Games Book Trilogy Questers – HGBTQ for short. The group, connected mostly through ideology, but also a solitary Facebook group, believes that the most productive society can only be achieved by forcing children to fight to the death until a single victor remains – as is depicted in The Hunger Games novels.
The group claims that the 2008 novel, as well as its sequels and movie adaptations, depict the tragic fall of a utopia where the elite gorge themselves senseless while watching children from the peasant districts brutally murder each other in a competition until only one remains. The victor, having now severed their last ties to humanity, is rewarded with membership to the elite.
“It’s simple survival of the fittest,” Kenny told reporters. “How can we have a first-class society if we’re always saddled with the weak?”
He stressed how regrettable it is that Albertans cannot yet experience the glory of the Hunger Games since Alberta is still subject to Canada’s rule of law; however, once Alberta separates and he becomes a king unbound by law, one of his first actions will be equipping every child between five and seventeen with katanas, butcher’s knives, AK-47s, and even grenades. In the meantime, he hopes forcing children and teachers into severely overcrowded classrooms in the middle a pandemic with minimal protective equipment will somewhat satiate Albertan’s bloodlust.
When asked his thoughts about other comparable YA novels such as Harry Potter, Kenny claimed the idea of Hogwarts to be utterly unrealistic, stating “It’s beyond even the realm of fiction to imagine a school being completely, or even adaquatly funded by the government.” The premier finished his statements by adding, “Alberta must be a well-oiled [expletive] machine,” though it’s unclear if this statement was referencing Mortal Engines – another YA series which depicts a future where cities have been turned into massive, mobile machines – or referring to the literal crude oil bath orgies he and his cabinet attend with oil executives every week.