TORONTO – Politicians across the world came together this week, crossing the political aisle to make last-minute deals in a desperate bid to save the planet. This massive shift in rhetoric occurred after Malvin Brimsley, a Conservative MP from Ontario, Canada, realized that his opposition to the critical issue of saving the only planet capable of supporting human life stemmed from a simple misunderstanding of semantics.
Brimsley stated that an email from a concerned constituent had accidentally ended up in his inbox instead of being deleted by interns as per usual. The email simply asked him to support a Green New Deal.
“After seeing it written,” Brimsley told news sources, “I realized that I’d been hearing it wrong every time it’d been spoken. I’d always thought they were demanding a Green Nude Eel. Nude eels, in my experience, are more pale tan, and it seemed like a waste of tax dollars to develop a green one.”
After realizing his error, Brimsley was quick to tell his fellow concervative MPs across the nation who then spread the word to fellow politicians around the world.
“I didn’t realize the environment was in such rough shape,” said Ana Tarny, a conservative representative Australia. “How could I, or any conservative for that matter, not do everything in our power to protect the planet? It’s the only home we have; not protecting it would actually be crazy. ” Also adding, “We’re conservatives. We conserve. It’s literally in our name.”
Other climate-related differences were also soon explained away. For example, whenever someone would bring up global warming, many politicians would begin shouting their opposition so quickly and so forcibly that they never actually heard the end of the second word. “I always thought they were advocating that we stop global war,” said Britain’s conservative MP, Michelle Delaney. “And obviously we can’t do that. Our economy is heavily based on war.”
When it comes to opposition to stopping climate change, James Dorrel, a Republican Congressman from Texas, simply stated: “I didn’t know what climate was, and I was gonna be damned if I was gonna find out.”